Parasympathetic Innervations

“There are two kinds of people one can call reasonable: those who serve God with all their heart because they know him, and those who seek him with all their heart because they do not know him.”  ~ Blaise Pascal 

It will be a long time before this weekend is fully digested.  My thoughts continue to spin around the challenges I face, but I face them a new understanding.  I spent the past weekend going from Iowa to Seattle, Yakima, and back again.  It was too quick of a trip, but we made the most of it.  My only sister, Kole, was married this past Saturday.  There was lots of laughter, tears of joy and love being shared that at times could only be expressed in soul groaning.  My soul continues to groan now that I am apart from and remembering such joyous occasions.  There is a lot that can be said about the Harold family but there are two things I know to be true.  We know how to have fun and we love most deeply.  I expected this past weekend to be exhausting but I left feeling more refreshed than I had been for a long time.

I continue to struggle with what it means to be.  Evan and I had a great conversation on our way back to Seattle on Sunday; all while we hoped and prayed the 4 remaining gears in his ’94 accord would get us over the mountain.  We started the trip with 5.  

The best way I can describe it is as though I am walking toward a great pillar on the top of a mountain. I can see the pillar in the distance, and I can see the road in front of me, but I cannot see much of what is in between. I don’t completely understand what it will take to get there.  I have been thinking about how God wants me to be something better than myself.  I was thinking about how this will culminate when this time on this earth is done, I will die someday and then see what God intended for me to be all along.  As I wrestled with this I could feel an excitement welling up in me.  I get to spend this life perplexed by this dichotomy that is who I am because of sin and brokenness, and who I am becoming because of blood and grace.  They are mutually exclusive parts, non-overlapping, and always changing in magnitude.  But the end is the exciting part.  I will see the dichotomy ended and I will finally just be.  I will be the person God intended for me since long before. 

The thing that I am beginning to see is why that God made it this way.  He is letting me flesh out this transformation and for once I am at peace with that.  This may very well be my time in the desert.  I am more excited for the journey that I have ever been.  Don’t get me wrong, I am scared out of my mind too.

I think something has changed for me.  I want God more than ever.  There is an eagerness building inside of me and an understanding that had been missing. These thoughts have turned out to be more rambling but as I said before, there is lot of digesting that needs to take place.  Thank you Kelly for telling me 4 years ago that God hadn’t given up on me, I think I can finally say I believe you.

I move onto another week of therapeutic exams, MTM projects, case presentations, and all the while trying to figure all this out.  The good news is I have great company by my side to get me through it.  I will lean on my friends and loved ones, enjoy good music, and roll with the punches.