Finding Oil

Why God? Why do we begin there, and why do we always come back to this point. Why, if he exists, does he tolerate our, and by our I mean my, wavering faith...my daily wavering faith. I used to have this small, weak sort of faith, but I always passed it off as something great, something solid, because I wanted to be seen as solid. Who wants to be seen as weak, wavering and scared. But then I realized that there was no point in trying to pass off my faith as something great, because what's the point anyways. It seemed to me that trying to convince myself that my faith was something grand did nothing to actually give me a grand sort of faith. So instead, I embraced the weakness of my faith, and left God to become something very small in my life, sort of like my faith. At least I was honest. But still, it's not the best. Because, now, I don't force myself to see God as he really is, or how he makes himself out to be, greater than my perceptions. This world sucks, this body sucks, this life sucks, this stupid struggle sucks. I really miss seeing God as bigger than I would honestly admit to actually believing. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. I started out going down a lonely dirt road and I found myself chasing roads that I only led me in circles. Now listen, I am not saying that mainstream Christianity has the answers, no, not at all, no freaking way. What I am saying though is that I am so reactionary and I want to get so far away from that way of thinking, that I loose some of the greatest qualities I once possessed. I used to think God was so big, so involved, so there, and I was deep with people, I lived for a greater purpose than myself and this life, and I felt secure, not in Christian culture, but in knowing that what I did wasn't for myself but for God. I have thrown the baby out with the bath water it would seem, those priceless qualities became lumped together with my abandonment of conservative Christian practice...religiosity if you will. Now I want it back. I want it back so bad that I am almost willing to take it all back just to experience that sort of comfort with God again. I still have a small sort of faith, I still don't see God as grand as I ought, but if I can just LIVE in the knowledge that HE IS GREATER than the faith I have in him, I might be able to find that comfort again. Maybe I can start letting loose again.