Why are you looking at me like that?

I've been listening to a lot of Jars of Clay lately. I have turned their album, The 11th Hour, into my very own worship album. The thing I appreciate about their music is that it seems so honest. It doesn't sound like they are trying to please anyone, or even worse, tailor their lyrics to an ever intrusive Christian music industry. You don't hear songs like; Where Are You, Something Beautiful, I Need You, The Eleventh Hour, and my personal favorite right now, The Edge of the Water, on the Christian radio stations or in any church I've ever been to. But these songs for the past few months have been the most honest thing I could say to God. I have not figured out why I feel this way with God, Jars of Clay doesn't really offer any answers. What they do though is express a most difficult and humiliating fact in a passionate way. How many times in church have you sung, " God I have no idea where you are right now, and I am a little angry, but mostly just lonely and tired of waiting. I thought you would never leave, is it you or me or both. God I miss you. Can I still pray, can I still seek, when I cannot even see? Are you who you said you are?" I haven't. Now I sit in churches and listen to songs like, I Exalt Thee, You are Holy, I Give You My All, and I Stand in Awe, etc. etc. I cannot sing. It would be a disgrace to God for me to lie to his face and say words that I know I don't mean. I remember a sad story of a close friend of mine who had to speak at a conference about God's movement in her life, but at that time there was no movement that she could see. She felt lost, alone, and so confused. When she told the people in charge the told her, strait face, to just fake it. I was on fire when she told me this. It's pretty hard to get me angry, I was so much angry for my sake as much as for the impression those words have on our understanding of Christian spirituality and individual spiritual integrity. When things seem at a loss with God, just fake it, is a piece of advice that I could never believe would come from the lips of God. There is not justifiable reason for such a suggestion. I cannot fake my experience, or lack there of, with the God who has promised so much to me, including the promise to find him! That is why I don't sing in church anymore, at least not when I cannot mean it whole heartedly. If a song like, "Where are you" was to actually be presented at a worship service, there is no explaining how passionately I would sing out in an appeal for God's presence. If a song like, "Silence" were to be played, I would scream the words out in a cry for God's movement. But for now, I only have this one choice. Sing out something I cannot mean and fake it so my "Christian" friends stop starring at me, or I listen and wonder. Seeing as how I would rather die that fake anything with God, I will sit and listen, longing to say something meaningful to God.