Today was a hard day for me. I rolled out of bed with a heavy heart. There was no reason why at that point that I should be wrought with such melancholy, I hadn’t even seen the sun, and the sun didn’t shine today. Instead, I welcomed the melancholy with a quizzical humor. I did not embrace it, I attempted to ignore it. I spent the better part of my afternoon with tears streaming down my two cheeks. I cant remember the last time the I ever cried about something so worthy of my tears. As they soaked into my sleeve, my heart continued to be consumed with melancholy it became imprisoned by it, and each time I thought the sun might shine through these prison bars, there was only rain. Little Courtney "bean" Davis was remembered this afternoon. The life of a little girl with more strength of faith than I have ever had, was remembered. They stood up there and recounted the days of her short life, and I felt alone. I was never apart of her life. I never enjoyed her laughter, her smile, her spunk, or her angel eyes. Her family stood up there and shared a stories of a life too hard to imagine, and yet a life lived with more love for God than I have ever seen. And it wasn’t the fake facade sort of show that I was used to seeing where these people talk about how they stuck with God though all the hard times and you sit they wonder, either these people are super Christians who don’t feel sorrow like I do, or they are lying. This family stood up on that stage and touched me with their tears. They had faith, they had faith beyond the absurd, they had faith enough to weep for a beloved and stay curled up in that corner dark with sorrow, faith enough to take the pain of cancer upon themselves so that their daughter could find comfort in the hands of a living God. Comfort that we all are in desperate need of, comfort that she needed more then any of us. Cindy said that she is glad to carry the burden of loss if it’s what it takes for Court to not feel pain again, she said that we all are carrying the pain of her cancer now. It’s a pain that I will bare only take part of in the smallest measure compared to those who were close to her, and my tears too will join with the rain. This day was fitting for me. I have been too happy for too long. And I don’t want to suggest that my sorrow compares to that of those who loved her. But I loved her, I loved her memory, I loved her smile and her eyes, I loved her spirit, I loved her and I never knew her. She is everything that I am not.
