"I don’t know why I let go, I want to be your friend." -Ryan Adams
I have had a very entertaining couple of days. It’s been refreshing considering my work load has increased. For the 3 people that actually read this blog, I am sorry to say that this is undoubtedly predestined to be one of those less constructive entrees, I am sure you will forgive me.
On Friday I realized that God still believes in me. That may sound a bit foolish to those who might not know my current circumstance, but to those who do, I hope it makes perfect sense. Let me build my case. I am moving to Iowa in a month or so. My parents have been using my car for the past 6 month while there’s has been in a constant state of limbo at the dealership/mechanic’s place. It all gets a bit messy, from there. I wanted to take my car out to the mid west, but I sort of hate conflict, not so much that I avoid it at all cost, but I do a lot to avoid it. So yesterday I asked my father to call up the place and see what he can find out. The response from the dealer was most unexpected, the car was ready. After 6 months, out of the blue, right in time. I haven’t seen much of God lately, wether that’s because I have been keeping my eyes closed, and I cannot tell you, or hope to convince you, how I wish and hope and pray that’s the case. Or if we are just playing this ever complicated game of hide and seek. I know that sounds crude, and you might think that God and I aren’t on speaking terms at the moment, but that’s not the case. I don’t speak to God in half truths anymore, I tell him exactly how things are with me. Sometimes its hard, sometimes it sounds like a lot of heresy, but most times its refreshing, even though it seems a bit one sided. So when this happened, in the way it happened, it was like God had opened up the clouds, if only for a moment to yell down to me, Nathan, I still believe in you. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. I need to know that the effort I am putting forth in figuring this thing out is not at the great cost of what I hope I had with God. That intimacy may be lost for the moment, but I hope when this is done, we will be closer then ever, not built upon what I have been told is true, told what God is like, and told what I have to be like to be with him, but built upon what I have found true, what God shows me he is like, and to be myself with him. I think the former form of intimacy is easy, fixed, and cheep, I know the latter is painful, difficulty, and discouraging at times, but it is more real. God, thank you for not giving up on me.
I think I would like to take this time to attack one possible assumption, that after reading the above account, I would also be inclined to make. It may sound like I am only allowing myself to enjoy God’s friendship when he does what I want, and thus my eventual aim is only to acknowledge God when things are going well in my life, and despair is his absence when things are not going so well, and in conclusion, I should never hope to ever have God do anything good for me because of what it says in James 1:6-7. I would agree if all the premises were assumed to be true, that with neglecting the fact that God is gracious (not that we ever do), this conclusion would in fact be valid with a very literal interpretation of that passage.. My attack is on the assumption that I only acknowledge God when thing are going well. I strive harder than ever to find God when his voice is not so easily heard. The difference is I don’t act as though I hear it when I no longer do. I concur with David’s cry...
"O Lord, you know all of this. Do not stay silent. Do not abandon me now, O Lord. Wake Up!"
I wonder who called David an apostate for telling God to get off his divine bed and do something - the audacity of David!
